Roma’s worst Tinder profiles revealed
AH TINDER, there's nothing quite as thrilling as pinning any hope on a dating app that relies on the controversial approach of swiping left or right to someone purely based on looks, geographical proximity and a limited number of words to sum up your existence.
Upon first moving to Roma, the prospect of an entirely new dating pool was exciting, as was the idea of meeting an abundance of cute, country cowboys.
However, it wasn't before too long the discovery was made that even after extending the distance to the maximum radius and edging the age range out a year or so after constantly being met with "there's no-one new around you," the dating pool in Roma was small, shallow and stagnant.
Between filtering out the men proudly holding up the dead animal they had just hunted, creepy, suggestive bios that make you shudder or cheating FIFO husbands the reality soon set in that Tinder dating in Roma would be a bust.
With numerous shocking Tinder profiles just going to waste in our screenshots folders and group chats, naturally The Western Star has decided to devise a list of the worst of the worst to bring light to the struggles of being a single gal (or guy) in the southwest.
Say what you like about borderline alcoholism, at least Jake's honest. His Tinder profile is straight up, to the point, and you can tell he's the type of man who doesn't beat around the bush. He'll knock back a six-pack on a Monday arvo, down a bottle of rum on a Saturday, and if you're lucky you'll receive a 2am booty call.
You'll get there, ready for some hot, drunk fun, only to find him unable to perform.
Too much booze doesn't do wonders for your bedroom abilities, ever heard of whiskey d**k?
One thing I do appreciate about f**k boys, they're usually pretty upfront about how they operate, as is the case with young Luke.
Snapchat is their communication method of choice, what's not to make you feel special about unsolicitated nudes, messages that disapepar, and the token "haha what u up to" response to anything you post on your Snap story.
Evan's got a type of love that's out of this world, and he's got all the time in the world to make you feel it.
No, really, he's got nothing better to do with his spare time than research sci-fi romance plots to impress the lucky girl who matches with him.
You can just tell what he has in mind when he asks you over for Netflix and chill, while for some that's just a root and a boot, with Evan that's Star Wars and a cuddle with your very own life-size teddy bear.
Old mate Tyson is going straight to his main selling point by advertising his big c---,.
No time needed to be wasted with pointless dinner dates and your usual seduction tactics, when you already know this man is packing.
He also displays what immensely high standards he has by saying you only need to shout him a cold frothy and he's yours for the taking.
Get on it ladies! A man like this isn't on the market for long.
Haven't been on a blind date before? Well now is your time to strike!
Dating apps just take the mystery out of everything these days with people stupidly opting photos of themselves. Like anyone would ever want to know beforehand what the person they're planning on meeting looks like - where's the fun in that?!
Sky has decided to throw caution to the wind by remaining anonymous looks wise, but giving ladies an offer that they couldn't possibly pass up.
What commitment, what stamina! Jack-attack will power through even when the odds are stacked against him.
If this offer wasn't appealing enough, you can find out what old Jackaroo is packing before you commit. For only $10 a pop, 100 per cent of the profits from every 'sneaky pic' will be donated to bushfire aid.
Good on you for breaking gender stereotypes Jack! Australia thanks you for your generosity.
Here's one for the men, you've got to admire Lucy's straight up approach to the dating app world. I get it, marriage sounds like it could be a bore, at 25 you're still young, there's a lot of world to explore.
But Lucy, this is catfishing in it's purest form: these men who arrange for some discreet bedroom fun are going to turn up to the prearranged dingy motel room at the precise scheduled time and expect a bottle brush, and if you can't follow through with that look then you might get some disappointed responses.
Ah, now you must admire Tristan's straightforward approach.
There's nothing worse then going to all the tiresome effort of asking someone how they are, before the suggestive Netflix and chill message comes blaring through.
With one simple look at Tristan's bio, you know straight away that this man has no times for pleasantries and is on a mission.
We need more people like you on Tinder, Tristan. Keep up the good work.
Lane comes out swinging with the big calls from the get go!
What pure poetry you have managed to spin Lane, truly captivating. A true Shakespeare of Tinder if I have ever seen one.
Don't expect any dinner dates ladies - this 22-year-old's schedule will be too jam packed with all the rooting b------, riding bulls and punching fools to be able to take you out.
Now this country cowboy has really hit a home run with the sexual puns he has managed to cram into his bio.
However, he is already being quite contradictory with the opening two lines of his bio. Are you going to cover a girl in seamen or shoot it inside her? I'm sick of your lies already Callum! This is why girls have trust issues.
And everyone knows the correct terminology is now STI and not STD, get with the times, Callum!
If you're after an educated man, Samuel is the one for you!
Samuel appears to be a true animal lover, although seems to steer towards having a favourite.
Try not to swoon too hard at this selfless lover ladies.
Ah you crafty bugger Harry! You nearly had us there.
Gotta give the man snaps for creativity - rather than the overused, outdated Netflix and Chill? suggestion, old Hazza has decided to raise the bar and taken the efficient route of cutting out the Netflix part completely. Although there will apparently be watching of something.
You want a line that really gets a girl going? Tell her how tall you are and how well endowed are.
You'll have her begging for a Netflix and chill date in no time! Honestly, it's fail proof, no pleasantries required!
Find that hard to believe? Someone should probably let David know. Size doesn't always matter hon, tell me about the size of your heart. Where do you see yourself in five years? Then we can break out the tape measure, girl's gotta fact check.
Ah Kev, you almost had me there! Here I was imagining the beautiful life we could one day share, I was even willing to put aside your spelling mistakes. But then, you outdid yourself.
You've said what every woman wants to hear: to have love made to me as passionately as Bin Laden loved America, that truly sounds like a night of pure passion.
I'll be here, eagerly awaiting our match: dream men DO exist ladies.
I had no idea what "pigging" was until I moved to western Queensland, and truth be told, I still don't see the appeal of running after dogs at some ugly hour of the morning to kill wild animals, but whatever floats your boat. It sure seems the men on Tinder out here seem to enjoy it. I find myself shocked if I come across a man who DOESN'T have a pic of him with a dead animal. But please, don't call me boring because I don't enjoy hunting.
You keep on boaring.
Now Jay, we're living in 2020. Women are bowing down to a modern icon, Lizzo, the self professed queen of fat girls. And you know the saying, thick thighs get them guys. To discriminate against "fatty girls" is a pretty low blow, and besides, what do you count as a "fatty girl?" you know breasts are literally just fat blobs right, do you not like those?
Fat is beautiful, curves are beautiful, skinny is beautiful, all shapes and sizes are beautiful. So, girls, if you find yourselves faced with a Jay, remember what Lizzo said "Thick thighs save lives" (Tempo), and of course "No, I'm not a snack at all. Look baby, I'm the whole damn meal." (Juice) and SWIPE LEFT - AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
And then go eat some chocolate cause you deserve it, Queen.
I can't say I've ever seen the appeal of a golden shower, but Josh seems the type to experiment with. Props go to this fine man for his ability to turn legumes into a sex pun, that takes real intellect.
Now this is a man who deserves a Grammy for his bio!
It takes a certain type of Tinder user to have the balls to combine a tragic world issue with a sexual pun.
Firefighters are heroicly battling horrific conditions all over Australia currently and risking their lives for our country with some of the most advanced firefighting equipment you could imagine. And yet here we are in little old Roma, and Braydo is making the claim that he alone is powerful enough to put one out.
His inability to entice a swipe right out of me will no doubt leave him putting one out on himself for many years to come.
You can tell Jack has truly had it with these mother f------ snakes and these mother f------ condoms.
Although this man deserves a medal for his honesty. There's nothing worse than getting down to business and realising you'd much rather be at home by yourself. Have you never heard of don't be silly, wrap your willy, Jack? While there's nothing wrong with being slightly less endowed, being able to avoid potential STI's/pregnancy is always a plus.
The question on everyone's lips... does this man ever sleep?
With all the farming and plowing, it's no wonder this young man lives by the motto "live fast."
Have to give it to him with his last line though, truly one I have never heard and I have been in the Tinder game a loooong time.
Lawrence, we've got to give it you, you dirty dog. You know what you're after and a minor thing like already being married isn't going to stop you.
We guess by the fact you're choosing to remain anonymous photo wise, she isn't too aware of your devilish side.
Keep it classy Lawrence!
TINDER 2.0 HERE
Whether you're a girl or guy, if you have any shocking Tinder profiles you want to share with us to laugh at, please send them to firstname.lastname@example.org