Admit it. You're here for the Married At First Sight revelations about threesomes and porn.

Not even the X-rated admission can save Tuesday's episode that's basically a repeat of the previous night where couples do boring activities that involve staring at each other for endless amounts of time.

Meghan and Harry's Oprah interview has spoiled us. We want high-stakes drama. We want rich kids who've detonated their family empire and whose dads have stopped returning their calls. We want sisters-in-law fighting over who made whom cry.

We'd give anything to watch an argument break out about tights.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Cringe attempt to beat royal tell-all

It's still sex week and the sex lady is continuing to make everyone do everything other than sex.

Well, Brett also isn't helping things.

"Brett, when I went to the toilet this morning the toilet seat was really warm. Maybe you shouldn't have eaten such dodgy ramen last night. I hope your tummy feels better soon," his wife Booka sings while strumming her guitar.

1. Hey, Samantha Jade! We've found your next hit xx.

2. This scene should've come with a trigger warning.

We swiftly leave Brett and Booka's joint and disinfect our entire bodies with Glen 20 while making our way over to the apartment belonging to total downers Bryce and Melissa. After weeks of her being offended by him, the situation is now flipped and he feels insulted by her. He's now missing - gone without a trace.

"I knew something was up. He was being very quiet and I was in the bathroom getting ready. And he walked out the door and said, 'I'm going out'. And the door slammed," she tells us while we scroll mindlessly through our phones, not really listening. "He has disappeared. I don't know what I've said to push him over the edge. It makes me feel sick."

He eventually comes back and they launch into the most boring argument that pales in comparison to the fierce heights of Meghan and Kate's tights-gate.

"I said to you before in the bathroom, like, 'Oh, what are you wearing today?' And you said, 'I'm wearing clothes'," he recalls. "I'm like, I just didn't know if you were being a smart arse. If you're in that mood, I'm just gonna go for a walk."

This is tedious, so we skip down the hall to The Sasshole's lair - hoping to watch her sassing a maid or a neighbour or one of those abseiling window cleaners. But there is no sass to be found. Not a snip or a snap of sass. Nary a hiss.

You've changed, The Sasshole.

We start wandering the halls, trying to locate Sam's room so we can tamper with his Clairol DIY home kit, but we accidentally burst into the token elderly couple's apartment and witness things no one ever should.

"I like toys, I've watched porn with partners, I've talked to friends about threesomes. I don't mind a bit of exploration into tantra," Beth offers the unnecessary details to Russell, who doesn't even know what most of that stuff means.

He makes … a face. In a nutshell, this is not the reaction you want from your partner after revealing your sexual interests.

A very bad reaction.
A very bad reaction.

"Um. Yeah. Well, I guess with me I'm kinda into pedestrian sorta stuff," he stumbles. "(Just) Me and the chick. Dunno much about the toy side. Um, yeah. I'm useless with knots so ropes is outta the question. Sex for me is like goin' to the supermarket. We can go low and slow, like a brisket."

Beth scrunches up her nose. "Sounds like you like vanilla sex."

Russell gulps and wipes the sweat from his brow. "You're into … mantra? Tantra?"

Thanks, token elderly couple. You've just ruined sex for all of us. Also, your Meals On Wheels delivery is here.

The sex lady is doing the rounds and we find her torturing Alana and Jason.

"Take a half-step closer to one another. Close, close, close," she guides. "Close enough so each of your left hands is going to be placed … cupping your partner's genitals."

Russell isn't in the room, but if he was, he'd react like this:

Ooft.
Ooft.

"It's just a cupping, there should be no caressing. Have your hand hover over each other's genitals," the sex lady purrs.

And then … we watch.

You’re doing great, sweeties!
You’re doing great, sweeties!

The sex lady tells Jason he needs to be more vulnerable. He hears her loud and clear.

"I'm gonna make spaghetti bolognese," he grunts. "I don't cook, I usually microwave. So this is new to me. Hopefully it'll be al dente."

Speaking of which, Cam is still al dente for Coco. They have another secret flirty meeting behind their partners' backs where they both stop short of actually making this - the world's most dull affair - official.

Later that night, Coco can't sleep. She's desperately unhappy in her marriage and all she can think about is Cam and how happy they'd be together. She needs a sign that things will work out.

Because she can't trust the experts, she's forced to take matters into her own hands and turns to something no one can argue with: science.

She pulls out a deck of tarot cards and begins shuffling them as the crystals she has positioned around the room cleanse the energy and create a pure environment for the universe to act.

One card bursts out of the deck and hovers in the air for just a moment before gliding onto the table. Or maybe Coco just dropped it. Either way, this is the card she has been dealt.

 

This means everything and nothing.
This means everything and nothing.

"It means happily ever after," she smiles at the card. "This is a sign that Cam and I are meant to be. You gotta trust in the universe."

Sure, maybe that's the universe telling Coco her fairytale will end well. Or maybe it's a sign the happy ending will play out for the man she's pining after and the woman he's actually married to.

We cut to Cam and his wife Sam at a burger bar. The sex lady isn't around, but they're doing their own version of an intimacy challenge.

"I'm into this milkshake and I'm into this bloody sanger," Sam says with a full mouth.

Cam nods.

It's the sexiest thing we've seen during all of sex week.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

 

Relationship goals.
Relationship goals.

 

Originally published as MAFS wife's threesome, porn reveal stuns


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