Scott Morrison loves to play dress ups.
Scott Morrison loves to play dress ups.

MAX CRUS: Popping PPE on the Prime Minister

"Good morning Prime Minister, shall we go through today's diary?"

"First up, a doorstop at Castle Hill to watch medicos getting vaccinated."

"Can't we just issue a press release?"

'Yes, Prime Minister, but there's PPE involved. A mask and maybe a lab coat".

"Excellent. Lock it in. Next?"

"Then it's a doorstop in Portland, Victoria, to give Australia's biggest energy user, the aluminium smelter, $80m to keep using more energy".

"That's a long way and involves energy. Will they ask about renewables?"

"Yes, Prime Minister, but there'll be hard-hats, hi-viz and media."

"Excellent. Tick. Lock it in."

"Next, back to Croydon, NSW, to spruik how good Jobkeeper was for used car dealers and announce we're freezing wages for apprentices."

"Where's the mileage in that?"

"None, but it involves one of our few female members, plus she's a doctor."

"Fancy face-mask and lab coat?"

"Sorry, no Prime Minister, but we could go into a workshop and don goggles and gloves?"

"Book it."

Quarisa Wines 'Q' Malbec, 2018. Photo: Simon Hughes.
Quarisa Wines 'Q' Malbec, 2018. Photo: Simon Hughes.

"Next is a doorstop at Sydney Airport to announce support for rich people wanting to visit marginal seats in Queensland."

"Can I sit in the Captain's seat? How good is that?"

"I'll check Prime Minister."

"Then we've got a doorstop at a bakery in Adelaide."

"That's a long way to go for a pie. Do I need a hairnet and white coat?"

"Yes, Prime Minister. Then it's a doorstop at Symonston, ACT, Pyrmont, NSW, Tomago in the Hunter, then Parkville, Vic. All involve PPE."

"Lock 'em in."

"Then there's the March 4 Justice rally at Parliament House in response to your poor record surrounding women. They're expecting 3,000 people."

"I haven't got time for such insurrection, specially not if that lying cow and that meth-head c*** are going to be there. People get shot for that sort of thing in other countries. They don't know how good they've got it".


"Yes, Prime Minister, you might need a bulletproof vest. There's a luncheon with the Winemakers Federation if you'd prefer".

"That sounds more like it. Ooh, hang on, will they talk about climate change?"

"Yes, Prime Minister."

Crittenden Estate Mornington Peninsula 'The Zumma', Quarisa Wines Caravan
Crittenden Estate Mornington Peninsula 'The Zumma', Quarisa Wines Caravan "Miss me when I'm gone" Petite Sirah 2018, Lemon Villa Orange Riesling 2019. Photo: Simon Hughes


Lemon Villa Orange Riesling 2019: The 90s wasn't a special decade, except maybe for riesling, and this is how good riesling smelled and tasted in the 90s, which makes it a classic in today's hyperbolic vernacular. Except gorgeous, fresh, bright, light, quintessential riesling isn't even hyperbole. Lunch can't last long enough. 9.5/10.

Lemon Villa Orange Cabernet Sauvignon 2018: Orange is the new … red? Never did get around to watching that series but this wine would have gone well with it if I did. You need a decent stream of red when you're streaming. 9.2/10.

Quarisa Wines Caravan "Miss me when I'm gone" Petite Sirah 2018, $19: Not sure I that's a Holden towing the 'van on the label, but it's very 1950s and fits the bill. 9.2/10.

Quarisa Wines 'Q' Malbec, 2018, $22: Incredibly sexy packaging that would make a fantastic Mother's Day gift, even if she doesn't drink, which would be even better. Goes well with James Bond. 9.3/10.

Crittenden Estate Mornington Peninsula 'The Zumma' Chardonnay 2014, $57: Fantastic stuff found lurking in the cellar (current vintage is probably 2018) and everything you want in a chardonnay which if you were rich you would drink every day. Show some restraint. 9.5/10.

Crittenden Estate Mornington Peninsula 'Macvin' Savagnin, 2018, $90: Rare as women in the Liberal Party, this is amazingly characterful (like many women I know) and you could happily take it to any rally. 9.6/10.

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